What are you implying?

c2011 (S)


My new assertiveness training instructor has been calling me a 'wussie,' and slapping me in the head a lot. He spat on me in the most recent session.

"You seem a little insecure," I said. "What's all that about?"

All of a sudden he's coming on like I'm the bad guy.

"What are you implying?" he shrieked, which is definitely a sign of someone losing control of their demeanour.

It's not like I paid, the thing was a gift certificate. But I really have been considering not going. At least for a while. Right?

The other day I opened up my inbox and found 39 e-mails, all mostly useless unless I need a whole fucking shitload of Viagra--which I don't--so I went in to all my accounts, all my little groups, and turned off automatic notifications. Now the only thing in there are those little reminders from Canada Pharmacy. If that ain't assertive, I don't know what is.

What the hell, I might see a cheap gift for someone...else. Not me! I don't need that crap.

And if you want companionship, get a dog.

As for my instructor, I sense some kind of deeply-underlying psycho-sexual tensions.

I'm just giving him a little more rope before I put the Viagra in his Red Bull and the capsican spray into his bottle of Jergens lotion.

That's the key to my success, ladies and gentlemen: I just don't give a shit.

I'm known far and wide, all over the planet, and even on the next block for my calm, my cool and my cucumber-like collectedness.